Beaches Ain't Shit

0:15 Cars, motorcycles with sidecars, babes, hula hoops, a guy pumping everyone up with a megaphone. Holy crap, Mack 10 and his posse are about to declare the beach the sovereign nation of Fuckingcoolistan.

0:16 Oh my god, look at him! He's like some genie guy who floats through your bedroom window at night when your parents are fighting and plays Risk with you until sunrise, when he disappears with a poof and an echoing giggle. I want to push him off a bridge just to prove he can fly.

0:55 This video was shot on a magic beach where babes sell ice cream out of cavernous, rap-themed pushcarts for hundreds and hundreds of dollars a bar. Mack 10 is not being a philanthropist; those popsicles imbue their eaters with the power to continue producing records despite career-long irrelevance.

1:42 Guess what would have made Xena: Warrior Princess watchable.

1:44 AH FUCK...Rick Ross, we need to be mentally prepared before we're strafed by your huge, weird face.

3:25 He's got it figured out. He's just famous enough to attract top-flight talent and to be able to throw footballs at tens whenever he wants, but not so famous that the public actually gives enough of a shit to sick the paparazzi attack dogs on him.

3:40 Who IS this guy, and can he be rented for hanging out?