The Real Underground
"Hey, I had a really great time tonight."
"Yeah...yeah, me too. We should do it again real soon."
"I'd like that."
...
"You wanna come in?"
"Yeah...maybe we could have a drink?"
"Drink. Uh, okay. OR...I have this really cool thing in my basement."
"Your...basement?"
"Yeah. I've got a stripper pole set up down there."
"..."
"Come on, just come see the stripper pole. Maybe you could even do a little tease for me."
"I don't think I'm comfortable with this."
"No no no, it's cool. Everything's cool. I'll just be filming you with the Super 8 camcorder I got for Christmas when I was ten."
"I'm leaving. Thanks for dinner."
"Wait. Wait! I can throw money at you and then take polaroids of you dancing."
"Fuck off."
"Fine, whatever. Sucks for you, though. I was gonna let you wear the Gundam Wing costume."
"If you ever come near me again I'm calling the police."
Never Ever Ever
a) You are like 45 or something.
b) If your name is "MC Magic," you rap to fourth graders about the joys of reading and how fried foods are "whack." Period.
c) What the fuck is in your mouth. You look like a minstrel from Jabba's palace. Take out the face catheter.
d) Your bald friend's voice makes me feel like my uncle keeps asking if I want to go swimming even though I've told him no five times today.
e) That girl is like fifteen. Dad is right. We called those cops at the end of the video.
f) Oh my god.
Snap Yo Bagels
Product placement doesn't bother me in rap music. But blatant plagiarism does. Especially when you're ripping off one of the dumbest beats in history.
There are great rappers starving right now just because we only seem to have enough attention for five or six legitimate talents at a time. Not only did you get record deals, Big Hoodboss and Tum Tum (who the fuck?), when you rap like a kid with gelled hair in a middle school bathroom during passing period, your My First Production Crew couldn't even rip off a respectable sample. No, you went with Lil' Jon. You went with Lil' Jon's WORST SONG.
The whole point of this video is that you get to see him laugh all the way to the bank after spending as much time on songcraft as you might spend drawing a sharpie dick above a urinal. This whole thing - song, video, everything - probably took no more than four hours to make. This is what you choose as the starting point of your career, and you only change one note in the hook? You might as well call yourselves "Shmiddle Sean and the Beastside Boys." Even Vanilla Ice picked Queen's best song to steal.
Better than you.
There are great rappers starving right now just because we only seem to have enough attention for five or six legitimate talents at a time. Not only did you get record deals, Big Hoodboss and Tum Tum (who the fuck?), when you rap like a kid with gelled hair in a middle school bathroom during passing period, your My First Production Crew couldn't even rip off a respectable sample. No, you went with Lil' Jon. You went with Lil' Jon's WORST SONG.
The whole point of this video is that you get to see him laugh all the way to the bank after spending as much time on songcraft as you might spend drawing a sharpie dick above a urinal. This whole thing - song, video, everything - probably took no more than four hours to make. This is what you choose as the starting point of your career, and you only change one note in the hook? You might as well call yourselves "Shmiddle Sean and the Beastside Boys." Even Vanilla Ice picked Queen's best song to steal.
Millions of Power
I want Rick Ross to be a good rapper, mostly because he's so ubiquitous now but also because I think he could have a real presence if he managed to issue a decent response to the Officer Ricky scandal and to polish his verbal skills, no small feats either.
If you can get past the bad production values and the extreme close-ups of Ross' googley eyes peering at you through the dark, you can begin to recognize this potential. The beat is spooky, his delivery is almost acceptable and he seems into it. Even if he's being fed prewritten lines (they need to hire a better ghost writer, maybe someone who graduated fourth grade), he seems almost sincere. Plus, the niche of "big fat scary dude" isn't really being filled satisfactorily by Fat Joe in the absence of Big Pun and Biggie.
If you can get past the bad production values and the extreme close-ups of Ross' googley eyes peering at you through the dark, you can begin to recognize this potential. The beat is spooky, his delivery is almost acceptable and he seems into it. Even if he's being fed prewritten lines (they need to hire a better ghost writer, maybe someone who graduated fourth grade), he seems almost sincere. Plus, the niche of "big fat scary dude" isn't really being filled satisfactorily by Fat Joe in the absence of Big Pun and Biggie.
Don't Look It Up
King of the Blumpkins? You are not an upstart young rap maven with a fresh attitude. You're a smug manchild beloved by date rapists everywhere. Gross.
No Logo
It has always bothered me when people harp on rappers "selling out" because they did a commercial or co-starred with Jennifer Lopez. Especially rappers whose explicit life campaign is "getting money." Nobody except moms (rappers' only natural predator) bats an eyelash when Biggie talks about shooting women in the head and taking their purses but the whole world goes up in flames when he drinks a Pepsi.
There is only one rapper who has ever really sold out. Do I even need to say his name?
Anyway, ad whoring is pretty much the common denominator in hip-hop. It bridges all gaps. Why not? If you're going to be subjected to asinine TV commercials, you might as well take some comfort in the fact that there's someone who does something cool benefiting from it. Plus, does it really undermine your credibility that much? If you were Dr. Dre, sitting on your throne made of blowjobs and diamonds, and some studio head offered you 9999 billion dollars to walk through a party and scowl at a DJ, would you bust out your back issues of Adbusters and lecture him about integrity? No, you'd spend two hours in front of a camera, take the profits, and go eat an endangered specie.
This has been going on pretty much since forever. Check out the saga of mid-90's St. Ides ads.
The only rappers who really give a shit about any of this are KRS-One, who's basically your grandpa, maybe Mos Def, who sucks, and a whole spate of squinty dudes with tiny backpacks who rap about Guantanamo in their friends' living rooms. Dre could crush you between his shoulder blades. Just leave him be.
There is only one rapper who has ever really sold out. Do I even need to say his name?
Anyway, ad whoring is pretty much the common denominator in hip-hop. It bridges all gaps. Why not? If you're going to be subjected to asinine TV commercials, you might as well take some comfort in the fact that there's someone who does something cool benefiting from it. Plus, does it really undermine your credibility that much? If you were Dr. Dre, sitting on your throne made of blowjobs and diamonds, and some studio head offered you 9999 billion dollars to walk through a party and scowl at a DJ, would you bust out your back issues of Adbusters and lecture him about integrity? No, you'd spend two hours in front of a camera, take the profits, and go eat an endangered specie.
This has been going on pretty much since forever. Check out the saga of mid-90's St. Ides ads.
The only rappers who really give a shit about any of this are KRS-One, who's basically your grandpa, maybe Mos Def, who sucks, and a whole spate of squinty dudes with tiny backpacks who rap about Guantanamo in their friends' living rooms. Dre could crush you between his shoulder blades. Just leave him be.
Diddy's House
Puff and Roth giggle about slippers. The world lols.
They are the kind of people who lose their shit when football players dress up like cheerleaders. I can't really express my feelings for them without breaching libel.
They are the kind of people who lose their shit when football players dress up like cheerleaders. I can't really express my feelings for them without breaching libel.
No Homo
A lot of moms think all rap music is just dudes in hoodies grimacing on street corners. But when hip-hop started out it was all MC's dressing like they were space wizards from Narnia and rapping about "partyin' in the place to be." Somewhere along the lines everything got all grim, but there remains an undercurrent of campy fabulousness that pops up from time to time.
This video combines two of my favorite elements of rap videos: sci-fi themes and overwhelming gayness.
The only thing gayer than wearing a studded leather vest and a disco visor that shoots light is wearing a studded leather vest and a disco visor that shoots light inside of a mock-up Millenium Falcon that zooms around CGI planetscapes.
I would like to see this visual aesthetic regain a prominent place in rap music. I would consider it a restorative gesture. Take a look at old pictures.
Come on guys. Lighten up and put on some fingerless gloves every once in a while. We accept you for who you are. Unless you're Ne-Yo.
Warcrimes
Everybody knows that Souljaboy is trash. Except your little sister. But the amazing thing about him is that he has gotten WORSE since his ubiquitous "Superman" infected the world's radio stations for a whole numbing year.
Last month, he released this video, which I have, until today, regarded as a definitive low by which to judge other bad songs.
How could music be any worse? The badness of Souljaboy can only be compounded by the presence of Gucci Mane and Shawty Lo, whom I consider the worst rappers in the industry. that video alone is enough of a credential to make that claim.
Then I saw this video, which is almost as bad, but represents enough of a fractional improvement to suggest that we might never be subjected to another turgid shitstorm of Gucci Bandana magnitude again.
But how wrong I was. Ever hear about those programs the government's undertaking to develop sonic weaponry? The idea is to be able to incapacitate enemy combatants with superpowered acoustics. I forward them to this song, but must disclaim that I fear the results of its use can only be lethal.
Please, if you are pregnant or suffering from a heart condition, do not click the link below.
http://www.xxlmag.com/online/?p=47537
Last month, he released this video, which I have, until today, regarded as a definitive low by which to judge other bad songs.
How could music be any worse? The badness of Souljaboy can only be compounded by the presence of Gucci Mane and Shawty Lo, whom I consider the worst rappers in the industry. that video alone is enough of a credential to make that claim.
Then I saw this video, which is almost as bad, but represents enough of a fractional improvement to suggest that we might never be subjected to another turgid shitstorm of Gucci Bandana magnitude again.
Soulja Boy "I Got MoJo" QuikVid f/ Whoo Kid, the Lambo and NYC! from Radio Planet on Vimeo.
But how wrong I was. Ever hear about those programs the government's undertaking to develop sonic weaponry? The idea is to be able to incapacitate enemy combatants with superpowered acoustics. I forward them to this song, but must disclaim that I fear the results of its use can only be lethal.
Please, if you are pregnant or suffering from a heart condition, do not click the link below.
http://www.xxlmag.com/online/?p=47537
Blood in the Water
50 Cent is almost done. His career is burning in the oven like the weak little cornish game hen that it is. The only thing he has to offer is the megamoney his profile attracts. And he's Dr. Dre's Frankenstein monster, so sometimes we get songs like this:
But the fact is that 50 based his career on feuding with rappers just big enough to make waves in the media but not so big as to pose a threat. See Ja Rule. His newest target, Rick Ross, should have been easy pickings. The guy is basically a circus prize huge teddy bear with expensive sunglasses. But Curtis is getting trounced, and I think it's because of two things: a) he doesn't remember how to have fun anymore. He never had a sense of humor, but at least "In Da Club" was something you could listen to to put yourself in a good mood. Now he's all pathos and teen-locked-in-the-bathroom-level surliness. b) He's lost in his own plot. A career founded upon wedgies is unsustainable, and he appears to have finally encountered a PR team savvier than his own.
Rick Ross is a big stupid idiot. But he's trying. The video for "Magnificent" was fairly good, especially considering he managed to make John Legend seem cool for half a minute.
Compare to the only diss track 50 has released since the beef began, only one of three or four songs period released this year.
Trying to use gameplay footage from his own video game to appear threatening is about as effective as having his mom talk consternatingly to Ross' mom. What are you, twelve? Are you at a sleepover? Are you going to hit him in the head with an XBox controller for beating you at Halo and then threaten never to hang out ever again?
But the fact is that 50 based his career on feuding with rappers just big enough to make waves in the media but not so big as to pose a threat. See Ja Rule. His newest target, Rick Ross, should have been easy pickings. The guy is basically a circus prize huge teddy bear with expensive sunglasses. But Curtis is getting trounced, and I think it's because of two things: a) he doesn't remember how to have fun anymore. He never had a sense of humor, but at least "In Da Club" was something you could listen to to put yourself in a good mood. Now he's all pathos and teen-locked-in-the-bathroom-level surliness. b) He's lost in his own plot. A career founded upon wedgies is unsustainable, and he appears to have finally encountered a PR team savvier than his own.
Rick Ross is a big stupid idiot. But he's trying. The video for "Magnificent" was fairly good, especially considering he managed to make John Legend seem cool for half a minute.
Compare to the only diss track 50 has released since the beef began, only one of three or four songs period released this year.
Trying to use gameplay footage from his own video game to appear threatening is about as effective as having his mom talk consternatingly to Ross' mom. What are you, twelve? Are you at a sleepover? Are you going to hit him in the head with an XBox controller for beating you at Halo and then threaten never to hang out ever again?
Skate Or Die
DMX is the only rapper in the world who could hit middle age, grow a belly, take up roller skating and be EVEN SCARIER FOR IT. In the interview he says that since he's been in prison for the past four months (for impersonating an FBI agent at JFK airport and trying to steal a car) he knows nothing about Lil' Wayne's dabbling in rock music. He is also, apparently, in the dark about the advent of the new Screamless Microphones that allow you to talk like a normal person during interviews.
The interviewer is lucky DMX spares his life after calling him "Earl Simmons."
The interviewer is lucky DMX spares his life after calling him "Earl Simmons."
Eminem
What the hell happened to him? This is like your dad buying a Mustang and trying to talk to you about "chasing pussy" after he divorces your mom.
