The producer put a microphone up to the speakers on his Casio Keyjamstation1000, hit the "Hip-Hop 3" button and called it a day. And Birdman's verse, which is half shout-outs, actually weakens the song. You rap like you're mouthing last words to your grandchildren.
SOULJABOY, YOU ARE BEING UPSTAGED BY A TEN-YEAR-OLD IN AN IRONMAN SHIRT.
Pretty soon, when he gets a pube, he's going to realize that he is 1,000,000,000 more likable than you and you will be CRUSHED. I HOPE YOU ARE READY TO REAP THE SCOOTER SMIFF WHIRLWIND.
Ignore the annoying-ass organ sample. Ignore the fact that anything post-Fear-and-Loathing that's Vegas themed is automatically for dads. Ignore Nelly. In fact, ignore everything except the first minute of this video. Look at that little guy! Look at his bow tie and his glasses and his baldness! If you went on a cruise and met the girl of your dreams but she was with her shitheel boyfriend, he'd be the bartender who'd mix you some amazing secret drink, be all like, "Do you have any idea how much pussy I get? You know why? Because I don't give a fuck," then teach you to tap dance, just because. You wouldn't even have to worry about the girl anymore, because you just met the coolest friend you've ever had.
Finally, the Michael Jordan of Rapping sits down for a serious conversation with the Michael Jordan of Wearing Stupid Hats and the Michael Jordan of Being a Third Wheel and Laughing Obnoxiously. If you ever use the term "awesmazing," angels will sear it into your backflesh before casting you into the abyss to suffer forever.
I've been subjecting you to a nonstop assault of embarrassment and pain. Considering that I should probably be tried by a UN tribunal just for showing you the last video, and also considering that I won't be able to go to sleep for another two hours while rage fights shame for control of my face, I did overtime research to find you something nourishing. This came out in 2008, but was accidentally posted in the "new videos" section of one of my source sites. We're all feeling very lost and confused so, in the name of public health, I'll make an exception to my usual exclusion of old releases.
Do you see what happens when serious rappers co-opt elements of rock into their music? This video is so well conceived it makes me want to cry even more than I already do.
I think it's a great thing that hip hop rules the Earth now. Every fourteen-year-old in every country whose media has advanced past the "remaindered Michael Jackson tape" stage (and whose governments won't cut their heads off for looking at black people) lives their life to a soundtrack of American rap.
The bad thing is that contemporary rock music, having confronted the empirical and undeniable superiority of rap, is attempting to dip its nail-polished fingers in the pie. First Lil' Wayne decided to announce the end of his career with a cacophony of screeching Avril Lavigne guitars, then this:
Luckily, the Criss Angel VH1 emocore cokefiend eagle-tattoo-on-chest guyliner invertebrates have only succeeded in capturing E-40, a fourth-tier artist who hasn't gotten a record on the radio since back when people thought taking ecstasy and jumping out of moving cars was cool. But HOLY SHIT. What is your deal? You know who listens to you? Guys who watch TV shows where every time anyone walks anywhere (usually to go into a store that sells internet browsers for motorcycle dashboards) it's in fast motion.
"Oh baby girl I see your photos on myspace You look so beautiful So what I gotta do to take you to my place So you can be my booty girl."
Asher Roth, I'm sorry I called you a date rapist. Not because you aren't, but just because I had forgotten that there are bigger enemies at work in the world. You know what I think about when I imagine girls I have crushes on being hit on by guys who aren't me? These people. It's like whatever soulless label executive cooked up this band magically recorded my nightmares and set them to "music."
BrokeNCYDE, you are not date rapists. You are rapists. Old fashioned. I think I caught syphilis just from watching that, you fucking mongoloids.
